#DearJune Days 21 – 30

Part 3 (and the final part) of my #DearJune posts. See Days 1-10 here and Days 11-20 here.

Day 21 – Tea

Day 22 – Space

Day 23 – Diary

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📔 #DearJune Day 23: Diary 📔 ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ These are my two diaries (I couldn’t find one once and now I just have two on the go. Both Moomin themed for reasons). I like to keep a diary for three reasons: Improving my writing, Venting and exploring my emotions, and the hope that in the far future my diaries will all be discovered and become an interesting piece of history and I will be posthumously famous. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Keeping a diary makes you oddly vulnerable. Diaries might hold secrets or just emotional processing that you’re not comfortable putting into words for other people. Using my diary for venting nearly ended a friendship in high school. If someone had read my diary during University it definitely would have outed some of my carefully constructed coping mechanisms and boundaries. It seems almost foolish to me that I let so much of myself be discoverable just by picking up a book I keep by my bed (though good luck reading my handwriting). ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ It is also fun having a diary. I get to write more often, I get to choose the lens I tell my life through, I get to keep a record of all my adventures. I do think keeping a diary has made me a better writer, I think it has helped me to be able to address my experiences more thoughtfully, and most of all it’s just so fun to go back and have a friendly laugh at your younger self over crushes, and short term friend fallouts, and even the strange and silly experiences you’ve had as a fully grown, totally mature, adult – because there will always be times you just want to call someone a butthead.

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Day 24 – Magic

Day 25 – Sunflowers

Day 26 – Playing

I like structured fun. I was keen on hide and seek and other playground games long after they were popular. Quite honestly, if someone suggested hide and seek today I might still be down for it.
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The next phase of games in primary school was card games and werewolf. When interest in these tapered off I was pretty bummed. Several years later we got to drinking games and boy was I relieved.
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I don’t get bored of these games the way other people seem to. I’m sure part of it is coming to them later, and I feel like they’re different enough each time. I do know that I find it so much easier to socialise through games. So much of my anxiety in social situations is managed by having like… cards to play with. I used to be quite confused that other people got bored by these games and the fun wore off for them. Having reflected on how I’ve felt about games my whole life, and how I feel when someone suggests a game over just sitting around talking, I think it’s just part of the way I am and the way my brain works. It’s not exactly the only aspect of social interaction that’s taken me a while to wrap my head around throughout my life.
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I am a pretty extroverted person, so I will endure unstructured fun and I can definitely begin to enjoy it. But if you ever want to play board games with me, or cards, even jackbox or role playing games, don’t hesitate for a second to invite me along.

ginger cat sits on a large dollhouse like structure for cats

Day 27 – Citrus

Day 28 – Changing

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🕰 #DearJune Day 28: Changing 🕰 ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ My first instinct for today’s prompt was just to write out the entirety of the lyrics to the song changes but I’m bored on a train so here’s more writing. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I used to resist the idea that I don’t like change, because it always seems to be a bad thing. I’m coming to accept that while I’m actually happy with change more broadly, it does make me apprehensive. This is because I’m a planner. I definitely get bored if there’s no switching things up, but I don’t like a quick switch. If I know it’s coming I can prepare myself and maybe throw together some lists and agendas to make the transition more smooth for myself. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Outside of my day to day life I think change can happen frustratingly slow. Earlier this week I attended an event at parliament where an MSP chose to use the word ‘impatient’ when addressing a room full of LGBT activists. I knew what she had meant in context but the word made my heart fall into my stomach. I might not like a quick change, but I’ve been thinking about how I could feel when society is more equal ever since I realised society wasn’t equal. I’m only 23 so there’s many people who have been much more patient than myself waiting for that change. I might be a cautious person, I might like a gradual change and the chance to check in, but there’s some changes we just can not wait any longer to make. ⠀⠀⠀⠀ Anyway, let’s end capitalism.

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Day 29 – Flashes

Day 30 – Social

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👫 #DearJune Day 30: Social 👭 ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I spend a lot of my time alone. When I’m not alone I’m usually with my partner, or I’m at work. People are often impressed with how comfortable I am going out to dinner, the theatre, or to a movie all by myself. Truly it is a result of convenience with a dash of unyielding fear of being rejected (which I’ll then subconsciously use as evidence that I am secretly widely disliked). It stems more from my lack of confidence in reaching out to people than confidence in myself. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I am terribly lonely. Since high school I’ve completely failed to build friendships that meet my needs. I still have virtually no friends I feel really close to in the UK. Most people I have connected with either turned out to just be kinda shitty friends, live nowhere near me (why must you all be in London?), or were so intrinsically tied with university experiences that I haven’t heard from them since (bar awkward cafe run-ins). ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Being social is incredibly important to me. Despite my hounding self doubt in regards to being liked I am at heart an extrovert; I draw energy from other people and I feel so much joy when I am with good people. People are surprised when I do something like volunteer flat out at Summer in the City for 3 days straight, or travel to London for one weekend just to go to an all night Disney movie marathon which nearly kills me, but it’s these experiences with these people that really keep me going. Otherwise, I am just alone, always.

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